I can not participate now in discussion - it is very occupied. I will be released - I will necessarily express the opinion on this question.
- by Malakinos
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Follow Ty - a non- verbal teen on the spectrum, on his journey with autism. Unable to speak, or maybe speaking too much Hugging everyone, or disliking touch Escaping outside, Or trying to hide Excitedly flapping Inappropriate clapping Autism varies so much. Won't wear a coat, or wears one all year round Fussy eater, or would eat dirt from the ground Screaming or humming Annoyingly drumming Toys in a line The same way every time Autism varies so much. Struggling to learn, or has wonderful gifts Obsessions of numbers, trains, films or lifts Spinning around Throws things on the ground Constantly spitting Aggressively hitting Autism varies so much.
I was tired. Everybody was very tired, and so I think it all comes down on you. Kim Thompson: Had I worked, maybe I would have had a different kind of social structure and different place to go, different people, but I didn't. I had been a stay-at-home mom, and that just compounded my sense of isolation. I can only speak for myself. It doesn't wear well on a relationship if one person is really bummed out, and the other person's really tired. You're trying to get help, but it's not really helping.
Emma Johnson: Well, such a stressful situation. What I'm hearing you say is That really resonates with me. It's not like other illnesses, let's say, where there's a course of action, right? Emma Johnson: You felt, which it sounds like is extremely common as the primary caregiver, which, oh, P. Then the establishment is lacking. This is your job. Your job is to make this kid better, and you can't figure it out. You're failing. By definition, you are failing as your part of this marriage. Kim Thompson: Absolutely.
You become consumed. You bring up a good point, a great point. I had a friend whose child had cancer. He had a support group, a wing. People came. They had clowns.
They pushed candy. I went on marches for him. Kim Thompson: Nobody came to my house. People just faded away. If they don't understand it, they go away. There's no place for something that's outside of the beaten path. Even in my support group, if it's not the path that people understand, it's not something that they can get with. It is a very individual path right now. Emma Johnson: Let's talk about that social isolation because a lot of stay-at-home moms feel socially isolated, but then baby Jesus created the play date, right?
It's all about that play date, and that's the social outlet.
Money, dating, and parenting as special needs single moms. struggled with her son's autism (and other diagnoses) first as a married mother. A realistic look at dating someone with an autistic child. See what's This takes on a whole new meaning for single autism parents though. Amy nickell shares a meaningful relationship to date. Singleparentlove is also on a to meet people to date first date came down squarely in my parents. Date.
Talk to me about the play date for you. Kim Thompson: Right. My kid at school was in the wrong placement, we'll say, and because of that, they misunderstood his needs.
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Whenever a kid would cry, they would force his hands down. He has very sensitive hearing. Now he's terrified of other children. Emma Johnson: Right. But let's talk about it from you because you talked about people fading out of your life.
Kim Thompson: Right, but I can't be on play dates. Nobody can come to my house, and I can't go to anybody's house. He's stuck in the house. My friends won't come to me. Do her laundry. Bring her a salad. I had like one friend who would come and bring me a salad like once a month. Kim Thompson: The other thing is there's an enormous amount of judgment that comes with it, so if it's not working, she's crazy. That's the other part of the social isolation, that people really need to distance themselves.
Kim Thompson: There's being outside of a social norm, and then there's the way we blame mothers. There's mother blame. There's social isolation. There's being outside of the norm. Emma Johnson: All right.Dating After Divorce: Single Parent Problems: Dating advice for women
What do you want? If you're listening to this, and you have a friend or your sister or whatever who has a special-needs kid, and you sense this mom is losing her shit, give me three things that you can do to be supportive or a good friend or a good cousin or whatever to that mom, three actual things you can do.
Kim Thompson: Okay. That is a great question. I love that. The first thing is find out how she likes her coffee or her tea or her chai or her vodka, whatever she likes, and bring it over. Bring her two. Then go sit with her and listen to her.
Don't judge her, but listen to her. Be present with her grief, whatever. Then the third thing. It's a tough one. Learn her kid. Learn one thing about her kid. Learn her kid so that you can make a bridge with the kid. Emma Johnson: What does that mean? I can hear in your voice, you're getting upset by that. Why is that so upsetting to you? Kim Thompson: I think I mentioned on your thing, my mom just died.
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I'm just really emotional. Talking about the isolation, it's not broken yet. It's not done yet. I'm working on it. I haven't mastered it.
I'm moving in that direction, but to have to ask somebody to accept your child when people just accept other people every day, the fact that I have to ask for that for my kid makes me sad, like how I've had to fight just for people to treat him like a human being.
I'm switching my perspective on this, but it's just something that just gets to me. Do I have really beg you to come to my house to treat me like a human being, to treat my son like a human being? Kim Thompson: He's the greatest kid.
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Nobody's ever going to love me. It's not him. I'm not worried about him anymore. I love him, and I want other people to get to know him because he's isolated, and he wants to know how to be in the world.
He can't do that if people are ignoring him. Why do I have to fucking say that? Emma Johnson: Well, you know what's interesting.
Single autism parents dating - Is the number one destination for online dating with more dates than any other dating or personals site. Find a woman in my area !. As a single parent, dating may not always be at the forefront of your thoughts. Taking care of children, a home, and working is enough to keep anyone so busy . Single parents autism dating Imagine being someone-else and meeting yourself, you see yourself as unhappy, and dependent on that someone, because your.
I have found in motherhood, and I think especially in motherhood It sounds like this is amplified even more for you as a mother of a special-needs kid there's something about somebody who loves my kids. I don't care who it is. I think that being an unmarried mom because now you and I, we're outside of the traditional, normal, healthy family.
We're already worried about social isolation. We're already worried our kids They are. My kids have one less adult in the house. Emma Johnson: There are compromises to make that are real.
What its really like to be the single mom of a special needs child
I'm not about being a Pollyanna about single motherhood. For example, I just spent some time with some extended family. It's like, we don't always get along or like each other, but we love each other's children. I love my nieces, and my brother loves my kids. There is a giant love that's going on, even though the adults are bitching and sniping at each other. I feel love because they love my kids.
I think that goes back, right? You are feeling rejected because your child is being rejected because he's weird.
Kim Thompson: To them. To me, he's totally normal for him. I know that he wants to connect, and he's not going to be able to connect if you're treating him like he's weird, you know? You can't say that other lives matter, but only those other lives, if you don't take the full spectrum. You accept some people. Everybody has prejudices, right. Disabled people have been really marginalized so much because they look weird.
It's weird to us. Emma Johnson: They act weird to us. They're speaking literally the same language. So it's very easy to find that common ground, but if you have a nonverbal child, where's How. There's no guidebook. Then I can communicate with a hearing-impaired person. Emma Johnson: As a single mom though, right, your need for that love and that connectedness on behalf of your children is so much greater because it is lonely.
I think that's one of if not the biggest challenges of single parenthood.
Kim Thompson: Yeah. I guess that's why I'm crying because my mother just died and she loved them so much with a love that was big enough for everything else, but now I have a good relationship with their dad, and he loves them.
Thank goodness. He's a very loving father. We're very amicable. I text him a thousand times a day because of the progress that my younger son is having. I do that so he A, sees it, and B, so he can do carryover. We have that, but just in my daily I don't really care about where your kid's getting into school. You know what I mean?
But the fact is, for some men, dating a woman with a disabled kid that might I have met and do know a large amount of single autism moms. Your dating life becomes non-existent. Your life is in constant chaos and you fall into bed so exhausted every night that you don't have time to. I've been divorced 5 years, my autistic son is now 8. It has been very difficult finding anything serious. I love my son, he will always have to.
The competition and all that stuff, that all left me behind. Just be with me and my kid. You're in Manhattan. We're in New York City where that is so amplified. We think that's everywhere in the country, but it's like Yeah.
People, they have a different set of priorities as parents. They just do. They're on that path. I don't relate to a lot, married moms and stay-at-home married moms, the things they talk about filling their day with. Peace out. No comprende. Kim Thompson: No, it's really like that with special needs when you hear about what people complain about. You should really get on that.
You should get on that. I'm going to try and get some more services for my kid or someone to just pilot my child.
All right. Emma Johnson: Yeah, exactly. I remember having breakfast with a friend, and she spent literally 20 minutes of this very precious social time talking about the challenges that she had in her life because her seltzer bottle recycling program changed.
Emma Johnson: So the social isolation, financially If I'm hearing that you are not getting out of the house for a year because you can't find the appropriate Money has got to be a huge challenge. Kim Thompson: Money is a huge challenge, especially because I hate to go there, but if it's not in your insurance Money is a huge challenge.
They're just [inaudible ] run the gamut. Kim Thompson: It's not about fixing or curing. That's also a very complicated concept in the autism community, but if your kid can't sleep in the middle of the night because he is up all night because of his gastrointestinal distress, you're going to look for answers. So yes, finances There are constant doctors and specialists, et cetera, et cetera. There's a lack of working. Financial stuff is like a part series, Emma. I'm sorry. Emma Johnson: Money is always a problem after a divorce.
You're not able to work because your kid needs you at home because the education system wasn't working. Then just getting out of the house, that's a challenge. Have you been on a All right. Kim Thompson: I went on three dates.
I went on dates with three guys. One I really liked so much, but he did not like me. It didn't work out.
I liked him so much because he was so smart. He was not my physical type, but I didn't care. Emma Johnson: Does not matter. You can learn and better understand the single parents autism dating that make up an autism diagnosis. When you have a better understanding of the behaviors themselves, you can then take that knowledge and apply it to the individual. This leads you to assume all autistic people are just like the ones you read about.
Black or white thinking for example, is a behavior commonly associated with autism. Some may not even exhibit this behavior at all! I highly recommend you take the time to read it! The second part to all of this is to get to know the kiddo as a person! In most cases, an autism parent, or any parent for that matter, is not going to introduce you to their child right away.
When you talk about their child though, try to get to know them as a person, not as someone with autism. Autism does not define who they are.
Say for example you have a child who is blind. If you were dating someone, would you want all of the questions about your kiddo to be about their blindness? A kiddo with autism still has likes and dislikes. They have interests, hopes, fears, dreams and every emotion or feeling you would expect any other child to have. Oh, and you have kids so you understand parenting. When you step into an autistic kiddos world, YOU are the odd person, not them.
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But I'm going to be dating a lot more soon well, hopefully I am One good friend whom I trust implicitly and someone who has a disabled child of her own suggests I not tell a future dating partner at all.
Once he's met him, the word won't be so scary. She's right. Nobody could meet David and find him frightening in any way. And that way seems a lot more fair to David, too.
After all, he's David first and foremost, and he just happens to have autism. Not a big deal in our house, most days. Then again, is that fair to the guys I might eventually date? If you were getting attached to someone and they had something big like that hidden away, wouldn't that make you distrust them a bit?