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Verified by Psychology Today. Off the Couch. She was attracted by his profile, which made him seem smart, thoughtful and interesting. He liked how she looked in her photos, and also thought she sounded fun, interesting, and smart. Everything went smoothly—until they met in person for a cup of coffee.
To understate things, I was a late bloomer in the realm of romance. I wasn't stupid or ugly. No hermit, either - knew most people on campus. No, I was just clueless.
Turns out that the skill set required to navigate the tricky waters of romantic interaction wasn't in any book I had read or any class I had taken. Mom, dad, the sex-ed teacher - none of them had taught me any of this stuff. This is a serious omission, since our relationships with others are the biggest determinants of happiness in our lives. And it wouldn't be a stretch to say that most people's lives revolve around their primary love relationship.
So towards the end of med school, I started to read some pertinent books and hanging out with guys savvier than me in this dating realm. Slowly, I caught on that everything I knew about dating and women was wrong. A few years later, right about when I was a pre-med advisor to Harvard undergraduates, I noticed that my friends and advisees were in a similar pickle.
Here were smart, funny, good-looking guys surrounded by single women who were dying to be asked out - and not a whole lot was happening. See, I like smart people. I like to see smart people succeed -- even created a blog for smart people. Why should anyone suffer like I did? Clues cure cluelessness, so I provided some clues for the smart boys. To all you who work at the likes of Google, Amazon, Microsoft, D.
Shaw, McKinsey -- all the geeks, nerds, grad students, techies, hackers, engineers and gadgeteers. It goes out to all the year old virgins, the still-unmarried year olds, and the already-divorced year olds who don't know what hit them. If there were a dating bible for the smart manthese would be its commandments:.
Don't just wait to get lucky - make stuff happen. As a teenager, I always wondered, when would it happen for me? When would some beautiful girl take me by the hand, look deep into my eyes, appreciate all my wonderful quirks and make out with me torridly? Wake up, buddy. You create your own luck. If you like a girl, talk to her and ask her out. You don't expect to ace an exam just by getting lucky, do you? So step up and put in some elbow grease. Which brings us to Have a spine.
Wimpiness may be the root of all the dating woes of smart men. So quit being chicken already.
Men only: Reasons why men dread dating smart women When they finally get them, most men find these ladies less attractive, both physically and emotionally . So why do these women have trouble dating? why smart, successful independent women — the type of women men profess to want — have. When a guy can't keep up with her as she discusses the news, debates When you have stimulating conversation with someone who really.
Ask her out again. Set up the whole date: where, when, how, and in what outfit. Don't be afraid to ask for what you want or to get righteously indignant when warranted. Have strong boundaries. Worry less about offending people, more about having fun. Be comfortable in your own skin. You're a science geek? You love computers, baseball cards, classical music, anime? You're a horny little devil? Own it!
Quit fighting yourself. People only love us for who you are, not who we pretend to be. I know it's fashionable amidst the smart set to be dissatisfied with yourself and to keep striving for more, bigger, best. However, women will tell you that there's nothing more attractive in a man than self-acceptance which is not the same as complacency.
So start where you are, and keep on growing. When you accept yourself, the world accepts you. Accept the nonlinearity of women and romance. As guys, a lot of what we did in physics and math class was to try to straighten crooked stuff out.
Model it with an equation. Do a linear regression. Simplify variables. Round things off. But you know what? They were all approximations anyway. And most things in life don't follow linear equations - not your breath, not your heartbeat, not your Apple stock, and most certainly not women and romance.
It's nonlinear! It's chaotic! It's crazy! They feel insecure. If by chance they get together the lady has to suffer through out the life. Sara can call me anytime, nothing sexier than a smart intelligent accomplished woman. She might scare some men but there are plenty of us who ONLY want a woman who has more going on in her head than what's on sale at Macy's! As a male anthropologist who is in the thick of the dating scene currently I found this an insightful and interesting article to read.
Thinking about the tests mentioned above and the ways in which masculinity is highlighted as being a key indicator of personal attraction to a woman I wonder if there aren't more specific contextual elements to this at play? I'm very lucky to be close friends with a number of women who are highly intelligent and successful in their chosen fields and are with long-term supportive male partners.
The pattern I notice in these relationships is my friends' male partners are in occupations very different to their spouses'. One of my female friends is a senior teacher at a prestigious University and her partner is a plumber and builder; another friend is a senior lawyer in a large law firm and her partner manages a fitness club.
Given these contrasting examples I wonder whether there is another important axis to add to the mix in understanding how a sense of masculinity might play into attraction towards intelligent women?
That is, whether a man's sense of masculinity is tied to performance in an area where he feels he is in competition with a woman or not. If his feelings of Masculinity are tied to performance in an area where he feels competition from a woman as a potential partner, that may lower feelings of attraction.
For women looking for a man, it's the latter — being too smart actually according to a new study that has concluded that while it's impossible for a guy to with negative characteristics such as “social competence difficulties. If there were a dating bible for the smart man, these would be its commandments Don't be afraid to ask for what you want or to get righteously. The following dating challenges seem to be common to most smart Tao of Dating for Women or The Tao of Dating for Men, to get them going.
Conversely if his sense of masculinity is tied to performance in other areas or not tied to performance at all he may find intelligent women more attractive, or be more ambivalent towards that aspect of their character in determining his attraction to her. In the example given above where male and female students undertook a test together and then were assigned grades in each others' presence, my feeling is that in that interactive environment the men's feelings of masculinity may have been tied more closely to their test performance and have seen the higher scores from their female co-participants as threatening that more focused sense of masculinity.
I know from personal experiences in dating that when a woman displays much greater competence in an area that I hold important to my sense of self and identity a part of my initial reaction is to feel a slight sense of inadequacy, intimidation and being undermined. I'm conscious of this and I explore these feelings so that it doesn't often determine my overall response to a woman; but, it certainly has some influence on my feelings.
Perhaps there are other broader elements to this that I am not conscious of, but based on my personal experiences I enjoy and strive to be a knowledge leader in areas that I am passionate about. This tendency, I've noticed, is not a conscious adoption of a position, but seems to be more of an ingrained response when I meet a woman who is my intellectual better in my chosen fields. Do you think that you would feel differently if someone displayed greater competence in one of your areas of expertise if that person were male?
I've often noticed that men tend challenge my perceptions in ways that I know they wouldn't with another man. For instance, I find that men who are not in my field, have never studied it and have no knowledge regarding what I do often talk down to me and behave as though they know more than I do about my own profession, when that is clearly not the case. I do not notice men doing this to other men who are in different careers.
Why Do Smart Men Date Less Intelligent Women?
Is it just that I am not paying attention or do that really treat each other's different abilities with more respect? When a man figures it out that I'm female, he starts insulting me. However, other men seem to appreciate my nature for being more masculine type mentally than being feminine. I majored in a field that was filled generally by males. Also, I lost my mother when I was a lot younger, so I did a lot of things pretty much by myself. There is no surprised why I'm not influenced emotionally when I make decisions, reviews, etc.
I try to separate my irrational thoughts to my profession. I just now happened to stumble upon an online article by a man named Jef Rouner. He talks about people being more condescending to him when they think he's female. I'll try to post the link but, in case I'm not permitted to, the name of the article is "It's weird how people correct me when they think I'm a woman.
What a prospective mate's perspective is you can't anticipate nor compensate for. Being your own genuine article is all one has control of. I on line dated several years, found meeting in person quickly much the best way to truly access the potential, else my imagination created attributes the person did not possess.
I am very glad Sara held out for someone who appreciates the genuine Sara, I enjoy the peace of mind with my someone. When you say they see it as a threat to their masculinity, I think specifically they see it as a threat to their dominance, to their ability to be the dominant partner.
The sexual dynamic is male dominance, female submissiveness and openness. The male dominates, the female lets herself be dominated.
This is pretty explicit in the sex act itself, is it not? The male penetrates and screws her.
Or he may have difficulty with intimacy or some other issue she could and personal, it appears that men prefer women who are not so smart.
Animals hump other animals as a sign of dominance- I've even seen female dogs hump other dogs as a sign of dominating them. When a male giraffe wins a fight with another male giraffe, he humps him, as he is the dominant partner.
We know and feel this deep down. As this is the sexual dynamic, it works best if some of the personal characteristics are slanted this way- intelligence, wealth Its allows the male to be the dominant partner. Not a dictator but for the relationship to be slanted that way at least. Its how we like it, deep down, both men and women. Women themselves have a clear preference for a taller and slightly older man, ideally a year or two older when they are asked.
Not that she is never active but this is the emphasis of the thing. He the pursuer, she the chooser. The female prerogative is to chose a suitable male to submit to sexually and be impregnated by. How strange. I'm feeling absolutely no desire to be submissive to you in any way whatsoever.
I don't think you're very good at this "dominant" thing Steve. So are you saying that stupid women are more apt to like aggressive, bossy men?
That would explain a lot. I don't buy it. I have always found that women who make more money than me treat me as if I'm invisible. I have a master's degree and work in an academic field but I don't make a ton of money. This might sound conceited but oh well, but the truth is I rarely meet women smarter than me. I'm not saying there aren't any smart women in the world, just that I rarely get a chance to meet them but what I do meet is women in business type fields who make much more money than I and let me tell you it's not me who has the problem dating them, it's them who won't date a man who makes less money than they do.
I actually tend to date quite often and attractive women at that, but only women who make less than me. Like I said before to women who make more money than me I'm basically invisible.
This is the real reason. Instinctively, men know that their chance of things working out with a woman that makes more or is "more intelligent" is slim so they wont take a chance that might waste their time. Statistically, we already know that women start most break ups, and that they are hard to please and really dont like a man that they see as less than the woman because then he cant improve her life.
Even some women in the comments section here admitted they prefer a man "equal or better" than them. He will improve her life, while men are evolved to the role of making the womans life better.
Sure, we consciously think of it as masculinity challenged, but thats just saying mens role feels challenged and mens chance to get a woman that will like him long term is slim. This is down to capitalism and the cultural hegemony. We've all been brainwashed into valuing money over everything else. You sound like a catch. Find someone who's not materialistic - a Socialist, an activist, a Buddhist.
Anyone who's not obsessed with status.
Smart guys have trouble dating
When I was young and dating, I showed no fear in having engaging discussions regarding science, medicine, and philosophy. Most of the men I went out with lost interest right away, leaving me dumbfounded as to why. It's nice to know that being smart can be accepted and appreciated. I'm going to continue being myself.
Some day, someone may come along who actually is comfortable with me, or not. Either way, I'm smart and will or make my life with or without a man.
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Less than average women are always in demand Submitted by Sara on January 28, - pm. Level of confidence Submitted by Ali Sarmad on January 29, - am. Agreed, its a man's level of Submitted by Renegade on July 20, - am. Anonymous wrote:. Confidence Submitted by Wayne Drenning on July 29, - am. What poor advice Submitted by Mary on January 24, - am.
Dumbing down Submitted by Gigi on January 28, - am. Someone with life experience. More likely Submitted by Mary on January 29, - pm. Someone who's own mother gave her poor advice and she didn't find another source of inspiration. Glad my own Mother never resorted to such idiotic advice. It's about respect Submitted by zeeze on January 24, - pm. Some men don't care, but most know that deep down she would prefer a more accomplished man.
I agree with your comments Submitted by Mary on January 24, - pm. You're right Submitted by John D. I speak from experience. It's about if HE thinks he's lesser Submitted by Jessi on January 28, - pm.
Gender roles? Submitted by M on January 24, - pm. Submitted by Don on January 24, - pm. Thank you. That was my very Submitted by Anon on January 28, - am. That was my very first thought Mike LOL Call me shallow, but basic grammatical errors like that are enough to put me off any one. Pot meet kettle Submitted by Anon2 on January 28, - am.
1. To attract a smart man let him have his moment. You are on your first date with a new guy. He takes you to a nice restaurant and you have the best table in the. As Carney put it, "dumb chicks have both greater opportunities and greater incentives to try harder to date smart men than smart women do.". Many people said that I'm smart and intelligent. “The Man Up Show” – Why Intelligent Men Have Trouble With . Dating Advice for Men.
Submitted by Al on January 28, - pm. That was my first thought too but I held myself back from saying anthing. Bwahaha Submitted by Al on January 28, - pm.
Einstein had dyslexia. I Submitted by Jemma on January 31, - am. I think it's fair to say he was still pretty smart. Stay Classy Submitted by Al on January 31, - am.
Oh for Christ's sake Submitted by Al on January 31, - am. Each one of US had errors in our posts! I do hate typing on a cell phone! Smart people can never make a mistake Submitted by wkfmlkm on February 5, - am.